Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
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I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
When news reporters do sports stories
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???