[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
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When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
I love art.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
💁🏻♂️
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
hi why am I like this