“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
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hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Have kids, they said
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
the official breakfast of 2021
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.