My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
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I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
🙂🐾
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not