I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
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Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
me and my fake scenarios
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.