[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
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*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Confused owl: What?!
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo