her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
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It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂