They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
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My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
This is a whole mood;
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?