Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
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if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
is it earth
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
😏😏😏
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.