Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
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I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.