they should invent a rest for the wicked
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director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
#CatsOnTwitter
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.