North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
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Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn