ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
You Might Also Like
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over