I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
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I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)