Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
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December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Happy thanksgiving!
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot