cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
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If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
They’re not wrong
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.