them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
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Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
im all 3
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
If snakes were wide
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy