[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
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Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
<- sleeps well with others
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Herpes is trending, good job people
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
How to properly lift a body
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster