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Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.