I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
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All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.