When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
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WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Who.
Did.
This?
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.