god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
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Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Tell the colonel to bring it
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.