If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
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Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
no
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is