My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
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GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes