Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
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Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
are there any atheist mantises?
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
oh you wanna fight?!
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”