McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
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Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
no such thing as a dumb question
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
my mind
You just read my mind
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
buying dead houseplants to save time
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?