Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
You Might Also Like
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I鈥檓 sorry.
Mission Impossible…馃槀馃槑馃悞
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she鈥檚 wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 馃槒 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how鈥檇 you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you鈥檙e constantly dropping food on the floor.
It was worth a shot 馃槀
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.