Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
You Might Also Like
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Every photo I’m tagged in
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort