Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
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I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ