men’s fashion peaked in 1838
You Might Also Like
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real