The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
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Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse