My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
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Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
my retirement plan is braless
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
new shirt idea
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.