what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
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5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
This came to me in a dream.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
my lower back watching me try to live my life
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.