Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
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I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.