Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
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Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings