The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
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[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.