Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
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ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.