People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
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My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
I need to get some bricks…
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.