I wish gyms had a “montage” option
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I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
The internet is full of many things