Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
You Might Also Like
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
My boss called in sick of me
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.