[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
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My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
My life coach traded me.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Sell your car
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Siri: Retweet me.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
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