You Might Also Like
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Lucky old June.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????