[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
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I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee