What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
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Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.