The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
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Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Imagine having a party on purpose.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!