Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
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Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Milk Cube
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir