my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
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If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
The news in a nutshell.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.