My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
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Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Cats (2019)
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.