Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
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[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.