Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
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people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
#Caturday
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Batman v Dracula